April sometime? I honestly have no idea

So I've been on anti seizure meds for about a week now and I hate it. It makes me irritable, confused, depressed and sad. If I don't feel like shit I feel nothing and all I want to do is sit, eat and be left the hell alone. I just feel like an ugly fat gonad. God cancer sucks - no wait cancer doesn't suck these fucking meds suck. I’m going to go sit and scowl some more. I've spent all week in Burleigh and it's beautiful outside and I can not get off this bed. What the hell have I become?

I saw a number plate yesterday that was YML and immediately thought YEET MY LIFE - a very good tag IMO.  Also I continue to be shocked and appalled by the continued bottoming out of this country. 

Also had wild dreams last night about Dad, rivers to ~the past~ and gigantic lizards like godzilla. I think it’s all wrapped up in our fight rn. Ive got to talk to him but I really wish I could be stronger for these convos I s2g.

I’m grateful for: Mum & Steven, my cute hair and skin. Mitch and his many mysterious differences to me

Feeling really cold and shaky - could be new side effects of meds? Lovely Kim recommended meditation but I'm not feeling it, I can see myself avoiding it. I don't feel ready to deal with it. I know I can live through pain, I know I can do hard things But I don’t know if I can live through the hell of feeling - I’m just so fucking tired and scared, will this be my life now? If so like obviously I’ll deal with it, but dang have I not suffered enough?

I also can't help but feel that this is going to change everything for the better???? There is literally no reason for this? 

Anyway for treatment I want:

FREEDOM - ALSO TO BE HIGH IF POSSIBLE

MIN SYMPTOMS - EMPOWERING AND TRANSFORMATIVE

PAINLESS - EASY AND NICE

IN IT TOGETHER W MITCH

Mantra from Lovely Kim: 

I AM SAFE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS AND THOSE FEELINGS ARE VALID

I am grateful for: My brain, My body, My friends and family

What if I haven't achieved anything I wanted to do? What if I never tell everyone to fuck the hell off?

The day before treatment starts. Have not cried yet but I am feeling sad! And angry! Good things???

I got my period today for the first time in over a year so I am feeling like pure shite but managed to go to the gym! It was fucking COOKED I was so tired.

Really scared and nervous today.

I've spoken to my fam and pals over the last couple of days but I've not heard from any fam today except for Mum, Steven (mums partner) and Ella and it really sucked. I've heard from gal pals etc but not Dad or my like 300 siblings. Like they knew it was starting today and that I am really scared/ I’m having a hard time but to not even get a message? Mad fucked up. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind - I'm going to WRITE A LETTER and explain how sad I am but also what my expectations are of them at a minimum at least then I know I've communicated my needs. Like imagine your sister going through this and just not, engaging? How could you live with yourself? I couldn't for SURE.

I did however have a delightful exchange with my mum (Image 1, May 4, opposite)

I encouraged mum to start journaling today when we were chatting on the phone. She did not seem keen which is v funny to me. Is she hesitant to put her ‘thoughts’ and/ or ‘feelings’ to paper? Mayhaps she feels it is not artistic or expressive enough for the intensity of her mind? Most likely she’s got so much fucking trauma she doesn’t know where to begin - V fair I think we all feel that way. 

Life is so bizarre - or at least self awareness is. Do birds feel like this? Do they get sad when their families don't check in when they are sick? If only they could journal. Then we’d get the real story.

I’m grateful for: Mitch FOREVER, My brain/ body and ~soul~, Mum & Ella

I'm feeling a little better than yesterday, which is wild. I’m excited for gym and excited to spend a day in the sunshine w Mitch

Things are still hard emotionally & mentally but I’m trying my best not to be a brat, an impossible ask but I’m still trying. Im getting pretty pumped to have no hair, each round of radiation I repeat:

~ TrAnSfOrM~

~EvEoLvE~

~aScEnD~

It sounds insane but it helps me focus on the possible opportunities that will come out of this situation. I really hope I'm here in a decade, I need a miracle or to become a miracle, I know I have everything I need to get through this and more.

Im grateful for: Mitch + Arnold, Dad, My fab body + brain, Coffee + Youtube - really getting into Pokemon videos rn in a twist I just did not see coming

Spoke to my Doctors today about moving onto a new anti seizure med - I simply can not last the month to see if it chills out. I keep having beautiful days full of lovely weather, food etc but you wouldn't know from the state of my head. It's such a hard place to be in right now. I'm gonna start these new meds and see how they go.

Truly if anyone does anything I snap and become OBSESSED with wanting to give them a piece of my mind. Don't indicate? YOU WILL BE BEEPED WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR SELFISH LIFE A HOLE. Vape too close to an entryway? I WILL SCREAM AT YOU FROM MY CAR BECAUSE YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE LOSER. Talk too much or not immediately listen and heed me? I WILL SNAP AT YOU.

All I want to do is egg something, yell at men for being inconsiderate haemorrhoids and kick a bird! I don't know why re the birds they are innocents in all this, I just DO GD IT. I am scaring Mitch and pushing the limits of my loved ones I can feel it. Mitch is so kind - but he wouldn’t take me egging or to the park where I happen to know the magpies are BUT he did propose a surprisingly satisfying alternative - ripping up Anna Kendricks (I’m typing blind right now my eyes are rolled so far back into my head) ‘auto’ ‘bi’ ‘ography’. Truly what a joke. Also Mitch thinks she’s cute, but mostly I just find her annoying, like whatshername from glee. Not authentic. Thats a no bueno from me girl - you stay away from my man.

I am grateful for: Mitch! Arnold! Mum! Ella! My heart, brain & body! One day closer to coming off meds!!

It is such a beautiful day here and I feel nothing. The only thing that feels ‘good’ is the absence of anger, impatience and sadness. On the plus side at least I am emoting at all?? A plus in this bleak, wretched existence. Man I have got to stop with the Queen V docs. I keep comparing this to last year when I was on 12mg of steroids, in lockdown and recovering from brain surgery but this is nothing like that. That was a cake walk compared to these meds and at least then I had a reason to be emotional (????) These new pills just make me insanely mad and depressed and the roids just fan the flames of my insanity.

Did have a nice day though - I have to keep reminding myself! Went to breakfast with sweet Mitch and Kaz who's staying with us this weekend, got a TRULY SUMPTUOUS VANILLA CUPCAKE, went for a drive to Hastings Point and took some photos on the polaroid and had a wee roll around on the grass.

Heres what I’m grateful for: Cupcakes! Mitch! Mothers! Knowing this is temporary

Also I’ve been trying to learn french when I can’t sleep and obviously not succeeding - how many people does ole hooty owl claim to have taught successfully? Over a million? A huge load of BS in my opinion. They’re way more concerned with conducting marketing experiments on the customer base to see how well guilt works on teaching methods (Image 2, May 8, opposite)

Still feeling just fucked emotionally + mentally flat af but what more (apart from being healthy D U H) But I already have so many blessings, Mitch (truly feel like my life didn’t really start until I met him), a fab dog, beautiful friends + family, amazing home, brain + body but damned if I don’t want a little treat too.

I know this treatment is going to give me the stability I’m looking for. I’m going to beat this, I’m going to survive + L I V E

I awake at 4 am like, every day right now. I slumber from 7pm and arise, as if I have been injected with 17 coffee shots at 4am - Im going to google some bald look options to work out what type of bald I’ll be - certainly NOT a headband bald thats for fucking sure. Mad Gypsy Rose vibes and that ain't me beb. Cowboy hats? Caps obvi for gym but could I do a turban? I like the sheer headscarves so mayhaps that will be my day to day look?

I'm really scared about losing my hair. I'm scared about crying and not being able to stop & Mitch seeing me and getting so emotional over something so silly. I'm scared about going out in public and people KNOWING I'm sick - defs not looking forward to that.

This is going to be a tough week but I am a tough gaI know I can get through it and it's just temporary, I'm just scared now.

Also I spoke to Selena my neurologist and she reckons the dose of new anti seizure pills was so low that it could not have been impacting my mood as much as I was saying - and that was before I told her I had gone down to half - she suggested that maybe the mood swings are REAL and maybe, just maybe I AM going through a horrible time and taking it out on my loved ones - which is just not something I had considered despite my staggering self awareness and emotional intelligence. Real wild shit. Must take to lovely Kim and talk this out.

I'm grateful for: My bbs (Mitch & Arnold), New days, Music

Will say Im really enjoying journalling again. It feels nice and is for sure QV’s (Queen Victoria RIP) influence on my soft poached wee brain over time. I am manifesting:

A good, long life - A marriage of love, acceptance and growth

Good health - A cure & a miracle

BUT ALSO: I am so fucking MAD and UPSET AND DISAPPOINTED and SCARED. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME????? IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND THERES NO FUCKING RELEIF AND ALTHOUGH I’M GRATEFUL FOR A LOT GREAT THINGS THAT HAVE COME FROM GETTING CANCER FUCKING HELL THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD. I'M SO TIRED OF BEING STRONG AND TRYING SO HARD AND NOTHING GOING MY WAY

I WAS SUPPOSE TO HAVE A LONG FUCKING LIFE AND NOW IF I MAKE IT TO 40 IT WILL BE A MEDICAL FUCKING MIRACLE. I WILL LITERALLY TAKE 35 IF ITS GOING FUCK

Later:

Do I feel any better? No. I took a sedative but it took too fucking long to work. I did have some thoughts though:

Since getting diagnosed I became obsessed with politics, social movements like BLM, Aboriginal Deaths in custody, women's rights, cults and conspiracies and was also obsessed with astrology for a time. All of this is grand and important and I’m very thankful to be more aware of indigenous issues but ultimately are a distraction from dealing with any of my emotions

Much easier to be mad and incensed for other people/ groups/causes than myself for having cancer because ultimately it doesn't matter - it won't change my diagnosis. Do I really believe this? Idk. I believe in positive thinking and a growth mindset but I am also a sneaky bitch who plays herself to feed her ego narratives: like its my job to set an example to my siblings on how to navigate this (its not) like I need to be an inspiration to other (I sure as fuck don’t) and that I can #girlboss my way out of this (I can’t)

Researched the stages of grief and defs in depresso and anger - BUT AT LEAST I'M FEELING SOMETHING!!!!

Ps. Do I also think my ‘identity’ of being ‘strong’ and optimistic and ~open~ are hindering me from feeling negative feelings? Those feelings are vulnerability and that doesn’t fuel my ~tuff gal can handle anything w her tude alone~ persona so I simply do not engage with them. Need to dig into this w Lovely Kim.

Feeling calmer after yesterday - I did some screaming and it felt much nicer than meditating! Feeling feelings is hard work and very unpleasant! Tbf though this is everything I've been asking for lately (stability, health & happiness is literally on my phone screen) so I just have to survive the experience of getting it.

Grateful for: My bbs Mitch & Arnold, Getting everything I have asked for - even if its a weird emo version I didn't count on, Radiation is nearly over!!!!

Also got my nails done and asked for leopard print and they gave me what appears to be little red scabs on a pink background. Very sad re this development.

Throughout this entire experience I have raged, screamed, snapped, verbally abused my family and fiancé, looked to cause harm to birds (???? no idea, just have visions of kicking them and how funny it would be???) and thought it was the meds but no, just going through a tough time and FEELING EVERYTHING. Hot fucking doggy I cant wait to tell Lovely Kim, she will be stoked at my progress and I will continue to people please at the detriment of my close relationships, truly a win win.

This feels very similar to ole Van Hooty’s emotional journey (asking for feelings without realising he is so overwhelmed by them that he is compelled to express them via the majesty of song) and I will very soon look like him with my bald head! Should I shave it into a friar tuck?? Much to think about.

Look idk how to feel or what to do or what the fuck is going to happen to me. I’m just trying to keep my thoughts together in the blender that has become my skull and my emotions to myself because I know I am pushing my luck like a dramatic puffer fish who thinks she is an angelfish (not sure if that makes metaphorical sense but sounds accurate)

Feel like shit from treatment + family shit re my birthday which I am v precious about - but A N Y O N E would be if you knew they were numbered?????

Anywhoozle, today I’m grateful for: Early mornings, Flexibility, Mitch forever

No radiation today thank the lord! I have a H U G E day in Brisbane with breaky with Amber whomst I can’t wait to see, then hanging with Katy + I’ll see Dane and get my hands tattooed and then a nap + and go to dinner w Michelle + Hayley! Lots on but so excited to feel just like, a normal person again despite my giant fucking face. I’ve got to be having an allergic reaction to SOMETHING because I can barley see out of my fucking eyes???? I want to post a picture of this but I look like a thumb and both common decency for my fellow man + vanity are preventing me.

Ideas I’ve had: Coffee cups w signs outside and inside (still might do this thus keeping further details under my wig)

That is it.

Anyway this is what I’m grateful for today: Breaks in treatment! Surviving & expression my feelings

Yesterday was fab until I had a fucking seize on the Hornibrook bridge on the way to dinner. I assumed because I was on such high steroids I didn’t ‘need’ my anti-seizures that night??? The oldest play in the book and I played myself. Real devo its fucked me because I feel:

Deep shame for doing this to Michelle, it would have been terrifying for her driving, managing me and being on a fucking bridge! Mitch & my fam and letting myself down.

Sadness, imagine dying on the Hornibrook bridge? But also like, very let down because I was feeling like a normal, bald puffy obviously having an allergic reaction to something gal about town and this feels like such a dumb set back.

Scared & anxious, terrified of dying, how much time I have, that the treatment wont work, am I trying to intellectualise my emotions about everything because I have no control and thats terrifying? Because obvi this is a hard + scary situation.

I just remember talking about her love life and I was thinking to myself ‘danged if i don’t have advice re this simple issue’ and went to tell her & found I couldn’t get the words out and thats when it hit me - was the sheer shock of not being able to give unasked for advice what brought on the seize??????? Ultimately when I think of poor Michelle and what she would have felt/ gone through I just want to cry.

p.s. The the rustic olive is cursed and I shan’t venture over that fucking bridge for as long as I live.

Praise the lord we have entered the last day of this fucked nightmare. Im so excited for this to be over. After today Ive got my normal chemo tomorrow and pretty sure my periods coming so I’m in for a real treat of a week. Poor Mitch. Poor everyone I come into contact with, I need a shirt that tells people to fuck off and not interact with me.

Despite the seize, I had such a nice weekend at mum’s and I’ll be sad to leave but I’m excited to be at home to hibernate and toot in peace (obvi when Mitch isn’t around)

My hair should start falling out this week and although I’m sad to lose my cute purple mullét, I’ve kind of accepted it and I’m excited to see what I look like as an old, bald, man. Maybe if I dress right I can climb the patriarchal hierarchy and go on a crime spree and have no repercussions? Or be treated better than everyone else for no reason? Or be taken seriously and not gaslighted? Much to consider.

What I’m grateful for:

Sleep, A new day, Mitch - I can not believe how lucky I am - Will say though I’m real worried about Mitch’s mental health and our relo. He just seems as flat as I am and won’t talk to me about it. He puts me first constantly and doesn’t look after himself which is real worrying. I should talk to him about this and see if he’ll see Lovely Kim.